Landing into another beginning. I have not been in this space as a writer very consistently. It brings me to think about this expectation that we hold in our culture about this framework and idea of continuity. We all know that the general advice given to pursue our ideas is to show up in the world with some regularity. I have been mulling this idea over.
This year my father died in the height of summertime. It was a sudden and unexpected turn of events that demanded some kind of presence that was impossible to muster. I am now an orphan. Even after living this long - you can still feel like an orphan. Orphan Wisdom lives inside of us. For the first time in my life I cannot think of my parents being there for me. It was a balm often thought of when comfort was needed. I could call my parents at any time. To be lucky enough to have this in my life and suddenly it is now gone, is a way of being and thinking that I do not really yet understand. It is confusing. It changes who you are. It changes how you think. I am coasting along with this by my side. I don’t exactly know where I am.
It is my hope to find a way back to writing here again. Today is an attempt at showing up here along with the rest of you and your writing and navigating attempts. I think what I find is - what is consistent - is my mapping abilities in my mind. It is a sure thing that I can travel in my interior quite effortlessly. Those wrapping thoughts around the sinew of tissue thinking, are an imaginative wonder. I want to try to get it outside of me more - get those sparks of my knowing down onto the page. Sorting through the beauty and the grief of my days, with an eye to knowing that the older I get - the less I really do understand about this life river.
Suddenly I have been having an interest in fiber arts again. I have found that what is showing up in my thinking are many of the ideas that I originally was pursuing as a young teen and adult. Where did that come from? When my father died - almost immediately - I was flooded with a great washing over me of all of things I did in my very formative years. I felt a deep melancholy of course. Yet, I thought it so interesting that all of these interests were showing up so strongly. Each remembering was leading to a new discovery about myself.
I in fact have been consistent throughout my life in examining and pursuing interests and ideas. What I have found is, that now these things are meant to be worked with in a new way. Working with the idea that each day brings a new discovery of who I truly am, allows me a less constricted way to unfold anew. I am ever the seeker of deeper meaning. This feeling is awakening in me a warmth. I can feel a warmth toward myself and toward the outer world.
With this warmth unfolding within me, it brings an enfoldment of warmth toward and about the world. A curiosity of noticing. I think that this feeling is a good feeling in walking forward - this new year upon us. I am not setting out any words or goals or ambitions framed in the idea of resolutions this new year beginning. An encompassing of momentary noticing with curiosity seems a big enough journey going into the River.
I wish you warmth from my heart to yours…
A beautiful set of thoughts and sharing on what it is like to loose a parent, someone in that position of holding the parts of ourselves that we are not even of aware of others holding onto for us. I recognize this gift perhaps, of "old" or former interests coming into your life, as just that, a gift of sorts. I appreciate your thoughts on consistency too, and what does consistency even mean in culture and self expression. A beautiful post, thank you.